Friday, 5 October 2012

50 Shades of Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving.  That nifty time of year in which we put on our finest fally type sweater sets, buy an apple pie from the Sobeys, toss it in a dish to look homemade and proceed to drink heavily with our loved ones (or possibly because of our loved ones).   Amidst the decadent tumbling leaves, spooky moon skies and chilly foggy breath mornings, there lies.... (insert spooky music) dum dum dum....the great family sit down.  Due to said heavy drinking and fake sense of camaraderie, we tend to let our guards down and accidentally air our filthiest laundry.  We've all been there.  No judging here!!!  I'm just thinking that perhaps it would be smart to make a list of "safe" topics for your family doo this year.  Stick to the the weather, the upcoming election and Honey Boo Boo.  "All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimus."  hee hee.... vajiggle jaggle.....

The following is a list of things that will NOT be brought up at the Awkward Bakers Thanksgiving Celebration this year:

  • This blog (in any way shape or form)
  • Grandmas new found racism
  • Grandpas giant black "man friend" who takes him for his walks and generously takes his bubble baths with him. 
  • Great Uncle Manny's "accidental" tongue kisses
  • Cousin Kermie's continuous love affair with high heeled shoes and ruby lip stains
  • Anything found in your parents "secret bedroom drawers"
  • Last years "episode" in which you drank a copious amount of  "pumpkin pie martinis" (see below for recipe) and decided to entertain the table with tales of the infamous "Who is in my mouth party"
  • The fact that all of the women have a copy of "50 Shades" stuffed in their purses.  (Dog eared, ripped pages and wet pages from bathtub time.)
  • The fact that all of the husbands have at some point borrowed the book to see what the big hoopla is all about....and thoroughly enjoyed it. 
  • Aunt Melva's strange (yet oddly entrancing) manhandling of the turkey...Those legs sure are pliable. 
Remember when we were kids and every show would have a thanksgiving special?  The Brady Bunch episode where Greg directs that special little "family movie" in which they were all pilgrims. I'm not sure about you guys, but the last time someone tried to make a little "family movie" around our place, it was Uncle Manny...except we didn't know he was videotaping us...from his his pocket....ahem.

Or my own personal favourite, the Friends episode where Joey puts a turkey on his head.  It sure does beat that inevitable awkward moment when someone has to insert their hand into the turkeys'....ummm....cavity to ensure proper....erm...stuffing.  Nothing about that sentence made me comfortable.  Although maybe we'll commission Aunt Melva to do it next year.  She loves her some turkey bits....

Anyhoo, so I'm thinking that we should back the tv specials with a bang... (or a ball gag) with...wait for it... "50 Shades of Orange, Red and Yellow...The Thanksgiving Special."  I'm thinking maybe Christian and Ana adopt a herd of sexy little pilgrims and embark on a sexy  adventure that includes all manners of "kinky turk-ery".  Just a thought...tossing it out there... Although this year, I may just stick to the Charlie Brown special and leave the kinky turk-ery to the pros.  (Aunt Melva, perhaps???)


As mentioned earlier, tonight I whipped up a marvellous, festive treat for your mouth.  Impress your relatives while getting drunk.  You can't lose folks.  The Pumpkin Spice Martini is both decadent and delicious.  Also, it packs a serious buzz.  I'm hoping someday to turn all desserts into a drink....what a wonderful world this could be!!!!

The Pumpkin Spice Martini

What you need:
  • 3 shots of spiced rum
  • 1 shot of Baileys (YAY!!!) 
  • 1 shot of pumpkin flavored liquier (such as Hiram Walker)  or  half a shot of any pumpkin flavored syrup. 
Do it up:

Mix ingredients together in a martini shaker with a handful of ice cubes (note the arm workout...sweet)  Top this tastey delight with a dash of cinnamon sugar, a dab of whipped cream or even chocolate shavings.  Have fun and impress the hell out of your family!!! 

Photo from The Heather Chronicles

I leave you with awkward Carol and her Thanksgiving song to you. 

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