Not your Grandmas Moonshine...Happy VD

Ahhh...sweet VD...No I don't mean that unfortunate STD you picked up in Vegas on your 25th Birthday...(Damn you Elton John impersonator...)Valentines Day...Nothing entertains me more than reading the bitter ramblings of single/ broken hearted ladies on Facebook...Yes I admit that I'm one of those creeps who gets a secret perverse joy out of the misery of others, while sitting in front of the computer drinking mimosas and gorging on box upon box of fancy heart shaped chocolates.  It's all I've got as the the other 21 hours of my day are spent in extreme awkwardness.  Speaking of which, nothing will bring out the strangeness quite like Valentines.  Whether it's the pressure for romantic perfection or the quest for a decent pair of control top panty hose so you can look sexy while stuffing your face. I've made up a small "To DON'T list"  for Valentines Day.  It's a lovely montage of awkward mistakes I've made in the past...and this morning.

-DO NOT unintentionally treat your neighbours to your morning dance performance AKA "The  Whitney Houston Tribute" As proud as you are of your sweet sparkly pants, gyrating hips and rendition of "I Wanna Dance With Somebody"...nobody needs to see that...put that away. Or close the blinds. 

-When sending yourself roses, assume that your coworkers WILL steal the little card away and read it.  So please dont' sign it "Can't wait for our steamy ice cream date tonight sexy...xoxo Awkward Baker."  The world isn't ready for you to be dating yourself. 

-Please try to avoid that awkward moment when you check yourself out in the mirror at work and discover (to your horror) that you should have worn a cuchini (CLICK HERE for more details on the cuchini...lol)

-Do not assume that because it was comfortable and easy to get INTO the beanbag chair at the V-Day party, that it will be at all flattering to get out of.  Just trust me on this. 

-Happy VD isn't actually an appropriate way to greet people today...Let's stop with the abbreviations already!!!

-When Facebook stalking, take extra caution not to "like" the depressing statuses of the love scorned.  Yes, it's funny when people air their nasty laundry to the public and immensely entertaining to us stable folk, however, there is always that awkward moment when you see them face to face after you "liked"  their "Valentines Day makes me want to jump off a cliff" status. 

-Now that your grandfather has a cell phone, make sure that when you are sending your loved one a "naughty text" that you actually send it to your loved one.  Gramps can't handle your whipped cream bikini photo. (Nor do you want him to).

Feel free to leave your own awkward, embarrassing Valentine tales in the comment section!!!!

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In celebration of VD (either the love day or your unfortunate STD) we are making HOMEMADE BAILEYS!!!  You read that right.  Baileys. From. Scratch.  It's simple, delicious and an amazing little treat to whip up for your Valentine!!  Note to readers: This is NOT your Grandmas Moonshine....everyone loves homemade Baileys.  (Especially Old Gregg)  I found my recipe on the The Cupcake Project website (love love love this site!!!) 

What you will need

• 1 Cup of heavy whipping cream
• 14oz sweetened condensed milk
• 1 2/3 Irish Whiskey
• 1 teaspoon of instant coffee
• 2 Tablespoons of Hershey's chocolate syrup
• 1 teaspoon of vanilla (Yay!! Time to bring our your homemade vanilla from my first post!)

Do it up
Combine all of the ingredients in a blender on high speed for 30 seconds.  Put in a tightly sealed contained and refrigerate.  Always shake before serving.  This will keep for up to 2 months!  (Ha ha, it'll never last that long, but good to know)

Make it Pretty

You can get super creative and decorate bottles or mason jars and give this out as adorable presents. 

Photo from :  The Cupcake Project

Have fun with the Homemade Baileys and have a wonderful magnificent Awkward Valentines Day!!!


Quote of the Day From "The New Girl"

Cece: There’s nothing less sexy than a dude asking if he can kiss you.
Schmidt: Nothing? I mean, what if I ate my own hair and pooped out a wig? What if I called my mom after sex and described it to her? What if I had a croissant blog?

Big Carl and Pee Accidents (just a bit)

Oh Saturday nights...how I do love you and your wine coated serenity.  I'm all curled up beneath a furry blanket with a fantastic Big Carl style wineglass and Air Supply bellowing sweet nothings in the background.  (Don't judge, we all have our "private guilty pleasure playlist")  Also, I'm scarfing down ice cream like a fat kid who just got sprung from a "Healthy Lifestyle Summer Camp".  For your orgasmic listening pleasure, I'm giving you the gift....of Air Supply.  So that you may read this post while experiencing the giant fluffy mullet and high pitched lady voice that I just can't seem to place. 

*Sighs*
Leave me a comment with your most embarassing "guilty pleasure playlist song"..I'm sure we have some in common!!!

So I've been deep in thought about all of the mini awkward moments that occur on a daily basis. Those quick, spur of the moment instants that leave you flustered and throw off your "game" for the rest of the day.  They happen to all of us and today was one of those days where I could check off about 5 from the following list.  Please leave your mini awkward moments in the comment section, and I will feature them in my next blog!  I can't wait to hear your awkward stories, as they make me feel a bit more human. 

That Awkward Moment When: 

-You say "Have a nice weekend!!!"  to the plumber...on a Tuesday morning. 

-You are elbow deep in a bottle of wine when your husbands religious non drinking coworker stops in...you burp and slur your way to the bedroom. 
-The "Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite"  look-a-like hears the click of your camera phone and catches you sneaking his pic on the bus. 

-A car pulls up next to you while you are jamming out to an 80s power ballad.  *the slow fist pump and heart clutch because it's totally speaking to you*

-You sneeze and pee just a bit...at the gym...

-Your New Years play list accidentally featured "Air Supply"...and you forgot your bearings for just a moment and let our a terribly enthusiastic WHOOP!!!

-One of your students says (in front of another teacher) "I saw you this summer at the Beer Store!!!!"  *crickets*  Me "Nooo..you did not..crazy kids these days..."

-Your dog sniffs EVERY SINGLE mans crotch.  It loves crotches.  So much. 

-Your glasses fog up the moment you walk inside of a store.  You are awkward so you leave them on and stumble around making several people uncomfortable. 

-You laugh inappropriately (and loudly) at jiggly people on bikes....

-You buy your niece a new sippy cup......
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"How YOU doing Princess..."

Tonight's recipe is an AMAZING little concoction I found at My Baking Addiction. No Bake Nutella Cheesecake.  Seriously.  I always have a giant jar of Nutella on hand, because let's be honest, it's chocolate bread spread.  The prep time is only 15 minutes and it serves 4-6 of your closest most awkward friends!!!  Yay! Fast and easy!!! (Luckily I outgrew THAT nickname after highschool)

What you need:

Crust
-12 Oreo cookies, smooshed.  (This is always good for relieving tension after your mini awkward moments)
-3 Tbsp melted butter

Filling
-1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened
-2/3 cup Nutella (taste a few spoonfuls first though, just to make sure it's still good...)
-1 tsp pure vanilla extract  (Yay!!  Just use your homemade vanilla from my first ever entry!)
-1 (8 ounce) tub frozen whipped topping, thawed

Garnish

You can get pretty creative with this:  Crushed hazelnuts, chocolate bits, sprinkles etc.  My personal suggestion would be to pour a bit of Baileys or Caramilk Liqueur over the top just before serving, just as a little extra perk.  Do it up!!!

1.  In a medium bowl, mix the cookie crumbs and butter.  Evenly divide this delicious mixture into your individual serving dishes and press them into the bottom. 

2. In a large bowl, with an electric mixer, beat the cream cheese and Nutella until smooth. Add vanilla (if you did make the homemade vanilla, go ahead and take a swig or two.)  Fold in the whipped cream until it's all blended up!!

3. Evenly distribute the filling into the dishes! (Spoon or if you are feeling creative, use an icing bag and make it pretty!!!) Cover your concoction with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 2 hours before serving.


4. Make it pretty with a garnish!!!


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Photo from "My Baking Addiction"

Enjoy!!!  

Favourite Blog of the day:  The Awkward Blogger




Quote of the day from Demetri Martin:


"I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there’s a note saying ‘I’m standing right behind you.’”

Mini Bananas and Sausage Hunts

Awkwardness ensues at the grocery store...

While out perusing the grocery store for new recipe ideas, I developed the most horrendous case of "STFU" syndrome  (Shut the F*ck Up). It's usually best if I just high tail it on home on these days, but when a girl has a hankering for some pudding, she best be getting her pudding!!!!  (whoops!!  Almost put two ss in place of the d in pudding...whew!!  Awkward blog moment spared!!!)

So there I am, perusing the fruit and veggie aisle when I absentmindedly ran into a lovely display of mini bananas.  You know the absurd looking ones that are the size of your fingers???  Man I love those bananas.  Well I picked them up and feeling a bit naughty, I placed one strategically beneath two oranges.  Well I got a case of the giggles.  Yes it was preteen fascination at best, but I'll take a laugh when and where I can get it.  And not only did I giggle, but I "donkey laughed".  (You know that strange super loud noise you make when trying to conceal a laugh, but only end up belting out an awkward noise that more sounds like a mentally challenged "hee haw" than a "ha ha"?)  Yeah, that happened.  Trying to cover my tracks I then began to hum loudly as to make my fellow shoppers believer that perhaps I was just singing a little tune.  Unfortunately for me, I am the worlds most awful hummer and sounded more like a wounded pigeon on crack. 

I then had a slightly uncomfortable encounter with the "Meat Man" when he asked if he could help me.  I responded "No thank you....I am on the "sausage hunt".  While saying this, I somehow managed to give the man a thumbs up as well as a wink.  I think I either made his day, or invited a sexual harassment suit.  I guess we'll see the next time I'm in!  (Note to self:  Perhaps buy sausages elsewhere)

I figured it was time to leave the store, but not before one more awkward conversation with a lovely poofy haired woman with Mick Jagger lips and a gorgeous red purse.

Awkward Baker(standing a bit too close to the lady, because the man behind smells of old cheese) : "You could fit a large sized sweater into your purse." *Makes pained face at strange choice of words...then tries to smile so as to not seem too "Rain Man".

Lovely lady with poofy hair:  "Er...yes, I suppose I could..."  looks around nervously. 

Awkward Baker:  "Red is nice too"  *Quickly grabs Mr. Big bar and scoots to the next checkout..."

I then rushed home to make Chocolate Pudding Shooters.  Do it.  Seriously, they are amazing.  Kind of like being 6 again...only better, since you are getting a bit sloshed! 

You will need: 

• Instant chocolate pudding mix (Oooh, memories of the old Bill Cosby commercials are rushing back to me.  Do yourself a favour and You Tube them.)
• 3/4 cup milk
• 1/4 cup vodka (smiles)
• 1/2 cup Baileys Irish Cream  (Any old Gregg fans out there?  "Bailey's. Mmm... creamy. Soft creamy beige.")
• 500 g Cool Whip (Just use your leftovers from last nights "whipped cream bikini")

Do it up:

• Mix the pudding and milk together. 
• Joyously stir in the vodka and Irish Cream.  (Sing a little song about how happy you are to be doing this)
• Add Cool Whip
• Put the mix into your desired glasses
• Put in the freezer for half an hour or so.
• Consume and enjoy!!!

Quote from "Modern Family"

          Cameron: Why do you have to throw a wet blanket on my dreams?

Mitchell: I do not.

Cameron: You do it all the time! And you know what I end up with? Wet dreams....I heard it as soon as I said it, just leave it alone.

Hee hee hee...Ooh, just so you know, I'm on Twitter now!!  I'm tweeting, or twitting or twatting...whatever, I'm new to this.  Follow me!  @TheAwkwardBaker