Soft Meat and Alcoholic Milkshakes

My poor in laws. I often wonder if they would like a refund on this strange little awkward thing their son drug home. (The one who snorts too loud, drinks too much at family suppers to "loosen up a tad", giggles uncontrollably when anyone says anything remotely naughty and says inappropriate things to try and break awkward silences.  "Haaa haaa...that banana is huuuge....") 


Last night we were over for "pork chop night".  I'm not a grand lover of the chops, so I graciously declined.  Silence ensued and looks were passed...Feeling the awkward need to elaborate on my rejection, I began... "I love chops, seriously....but sometimes I find them a bit hard and chewy in my mouth...and I am in the mood for soft in my mouth...yep."  *Realises what was just said and makes awkward squished up face while shoving potatoes in mouth*  It's a real wonder my husband lets me out of the house. 


On a slightly related note, I was online shopping for my niece yesterday and came across the most fabulously perturbing toys.  I shall call the following section "Christmas Morning...Awkwardness Ensues" 




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It's a Lite Wand.....*snatches it from recipient and disappears*

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AHHHH!!!!  





 


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Help!! I'm stuck inside a giant dong!!!

 I could literally go on for hours with the disturbing toys I found.  I'll leave the best one for tomorrow though...just to keep you guessing!  Also, feel free to share your own disturbing toy searches with me.  I'm always up for a giggle. 

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It's Monday again (How the heck do they keep finding me??!!)  I'm thinking that the only thing to really get us all through today is an amazingly fabulous little treat...Yes I'm aware that at 10:00 in the morning, alcohol may or may not be the best option.  However, it's all in the name of blogging, so it's justified.  I found this super simple and DELICIOUS recipe for Oreo and Irish Cream Milkshakes. 


What you need:

Vanilla ice cream (I'm in love with breyers vanilla)
Milk
1 shot of Irish cream liqueur (one shot for the recipe, then one shot for you!!!)
1 shot chocolate liqueur (see above)
3 Oreo cookies + 1 more for garnish

Do it up:

Fill your intended glass up with packed ice cream.  Pour the milk in to the top of the glass.  Toss the mixture as well as your Irish Cream, Chocolate liquer and oreo cookies into the blender.  Mix it up.  Dance as you do this, just because you are about to have ice cream and liquer in your mouth. 

The website I got this from does a cute garnish with an extra oreo, so check it out here.  They have a ton of incredible recipes, so do yourself a favour and visit!  This would also work with the golden oreos or the chocolate covered  mint ones!   I'm thinking it would also be a great little treat to bring my in laws, so that they may forget about my "meat mistake"..... Now go and ENJOY!!!

Photo from The Hungry Mouse

Quote of the day:

"I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait"-Mitch Hedberg

Worst Party Game...Ever...

It was the year 2004.  "Drop it Like its Hot"  was in full swing, and I had finished University for the summer.  I had succumbed to the "full bang" and mini skirt trend and life was well on its way.  The summer was humid, my roommate and I spent most evenings out on our deck guzzling cheap wine and playing "Fat or Pregnant?" and "Guess the drug addiction of passerbys". Times were good. 

Also, I had a date. A tall, suave gentleman with just the slightest hint of a mullet and a pension for mini jean shorts.  (Yes, cutoffs with the tiny frayed bottoms) But these were hard times and a girl has to do what a girl has to do.  He was miles  better than the lovely man I had met at the Second Cup who immediately requested a date in which I wore "pigtails and glitter".  So I poofed out my bangs, sucked in my wine gut and off I went to "Mr. Jean Shorts" apartment, where he promised an evening of gourmet taste sensations and top notch romance.  (What, was he planning on me running my fingers gently through his half mullet and pulling the strings off of his jean shorts??)  Well, I arrived to an apartment filled with sweaty frat boys and a handful of girls that I'm pretty sure I recognised from the local "arrest warrant"  news column.  He drunkenly explained that he had gotten our date night muddled up with his roommates party night.  I decided to stick it out in the hopes that I could at least snag some nacho dip and a glass or 4 of free wine.  Awkwardness ensued (as always) when it was announced that it was time for "the party games" to commence.  Well, let me tell you, the Awkward baker is always up for a party game.  I am the queen of "Pin the Dong on Your Fiance" at bachelorette parties and I was determined to fit in with this motley crew.  I may not have gotten my date, but I would be damned if I was leaving without a party favour. 

Suddenly the lights go out and a deep voice loudly proclaimed:  "OK FOLKS, WE'RE GOING TO BE PLAYING A LITTLE GAME YOU ALL KNOW AS.... "WHO'S IN MY MOUTH!!!"


*Insert terribly enthusiastic cheers and whoops from party goers*


....aaaand I'm searching for the nearest exit...in the dark....a maze of random unidentified body parts and squishy things....That may or may not have been nacho dip...By the time I find the door and boot it out of there, I am bruised, flat banged and not very sober.  I fall out of the apartment high tail it on home.  Lesson learned.  Do not trust a man in jean shorts.  No exceptions.  Also, don't play "Who's in my mouth."  Ever.  


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The recipe of the day is Chocolate Rum Cake. It's awesomeness is pretty much self explanatory, and it's so easy you could call it (insert your easiest friends name here). 


Chocolate Rum Cake 

What you need

1 package chocolate cake mix
1 package (4 serving size) instant chocolate pudding mix
4 eggs
1/2 cup Bacardi dark rum (insert happy face)
1/2 cup cold water
1/2 cup oil
1 1/2 cup cold milk
1/2 cup Bacardi dark rum
1 package (4 serving size) instant chocolate pudding mix
1 envelope Dream Whip whipped topping mix

Do it up:

Heat your over to 350 degrees.  Grease and flour 2 9 inch cake pans.  

-Combine the first 6 ingredients in a large bowl.  Beat it (Yep, I'm singing Michael Jackson as I do this...just let it happen)  for two minutes.  

-Distribute the mix into the pans and bake for 30 minutes.  (Get creative with your pans!!!  Valentines Day is coming up, so get heart pans, or phallic pans for girly parties!!)

Frost it up:

-Combine the last four ingredients and mix on high speed until fluffy and fabulous. 


Frost your first cake and then top it with the second.  Frost it as a whole and get ready to play a game of  "what is that wonderful thing in my mouth!!!" 


Enjoy!


Quote of the day from "Cougartown":  


Jules:   You see that young gentleman over there?  I'd love to lick his body.
Woman:  That's my son
Jules: Ooh...he looks smart.

Hip Hop Monday Blues

Since Monday and I are no longer on speaking terms, I've decided to retreat my awkward ass into the safety of the blogosphere.  Who knew champagne cupcakes could produce a bit of a hangover???  (Note to self: Do not chug the remainder of the bottle when finished baking) I have decided that due to lack of sleep and hair so frizzy it could be housing mini sausages, today's blog will be a random compilation of "Things that make me laugh".  Feel free to add some of your own in the comment section, as I am looking for laughs where I can get them today. 

• Jiggly people on bikes...especially if they are appropriately dressed in spandex or neon...with fanny packs that turn into windbreakers.  (A lost fashion staple if you ask me)

• My dog snoring like an epileptic pig on steroids..

• Mini bananas, sausages, zucchinis, pogos...pretty much all phallic foods.

• Awkward Family Photos (For an even better giggle, go through your "special" relatives facebook pictures and submit a few...

• The memory of my venus flytrap eating himself...`

• The cuchini....enough said.

• My old hip hop dance outfits from middle school...sequined, sparkly and lycra...and when I really  need a pick me up, I'll try them on....trust me, no one needs to see their 30 year old self in a grade 6 dance costume...but it sure does make for a jolly snicker) 

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The recipe of the day is a dessert coffee with a kick.  I found it on a fabulous site called  "CoffeeFair" and it sure does help the Monday grumpiness. I highly suggest making this to get through your day. 


The Golden Irish (kind of sounds like something kinky you don't ever want to picture anyone engaged in right?)


What you need:

• 4 oz coffee (mmmmmm)
• 1/4 oz Triple Sec
• 1/4 oz Amaretto
• 1/4 oz Irish Cream
• 1/4 oz hazelnut liqueur
• Dash of cinnamon Schnapps  (HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG WITH 5 KINDS OF ALCOHOL???)

Just stir all these orgasmic bad boys together and enjoy!!!!  (Responsibly of course, I wouldn't recommend cutting your own hair or doing the dogs makeup after a swig of this heavenly concoction)


I'm always looking for new and fabulous alcohol infused recipes, so if you have a favourite you'd like to share, please feel free to share and I'd be more than happy to feature it on my next blog entry!  (Any excuse to drink right?)


Quote of the Day from "Up All Night":


"Get this &$^&#* snowsuit off of me, I feel like I'm being raped by a sleeping bag!!"-Ava

Mini Bananas and Sausage Hunts

Awkwardness ensues at the grocery store...

While out perusing the grocery store for new recipe ideas, I developed the most horrendous case of "STFU" syndrome  (Shut the F*ck Up). It's usually best if I just high tail it on home on these days, but when a girl has a hankering for some pudding, she best be getting her pudding!!!!  (whoops!!  Almost put two ss in place of the d in pudding...whew!!  Awkward blog moment spared!!!)

So there I am, perusing the fruit and veggie aisle when I absentmindedly ran into a lovely display of mini bananas.  You know the absurd looking ones that are the size of your fingers???  Man I love those bananas.  Well I picked them up and feeling a bit naughty, I placed one strategically beneath two oranges.  Well I got a case of the giggles.  Yes it was preteen fascination at best, but I'll take a laugh when and where I can get it.  And not only did I giggle, but I "donkey laughed".  (You know that strange super loud noise you make when trying to conceal a laugh, but only end up belting out an awkward noise that more sounds like a mentally challenged "hee haw" than a "ha ha"?)  Yeah, that happened.  Trying to cover my tracks I then began to hum loudly as to make my fellow shoppers believer that perhaps I was just singing a little tune.  Unfortunately for me, I am the worlds most awful hummer and sounded more like a wounded pigeon on crack. 

I then had a slightly uncomfortable encounter with the "Meat Man" when he asked if he could help me.  I responded "No thank you....I am on the "sausage hunt".  While saying this, I somehow managed to give the man a thumbs up as well as a wink.  I think I either made his day, or invited a sexual harassment suit.  I guess we'll see the next time I'm in!  (Note to self:  Perhaps buy sausages elsewhere)

I figured it was time to leave the store, but not before one more awkward conversation with a lovely poofy haired woman with Mick Jagger lips and a gorgeous red purse.

Awkward Baker(standing a bit too close to the lady, because the man behind smells of old cheese) : "You could fit a large sized sweater into your purse." *Makes pained face at strange choice of words...then tries to smile so as to not seem too "Rain Man".

Lovely lady with poofy hair:  "Er...yes, I suppose I could..."  looks around nervously. 

Awkward Baker:  "Red is nice too"  *Quickly grabs Mr. Big bar and scoots to the next checkout..."

I then rushed home to make Chocolate Pudding Shooters.  Do it.  Seriously, they are amazing.  Kind of like being 6 again...only better, since you are getting a bit sloshed! 

You will need: 

• Instant chocolate pudding mix (Oooh, memories of the old Bill Cosby commercials are rushing back to me.  Do yourself a favour and You Tube them.)
• 3/4 cup milk
• 1/4 cup vodka (smiles)
• 1/2 cup Baileys Irish Cream  (Any old Gregg fans out there?  "Bailey's. Mmm... creamy. Soft creamy beige.")
• 500 g Cool Whip (Just use your leftovers from last nights "whipped cream bikini")

Do it up:

• Mix the pudding and milk together. 
• Joyously stir in the vodka and Irish Cream.  (Sing a little song about how happy you are to be doing this)
• Add Cool Whip
• Put the mix into your desired glasses
• Put in the freezer for half an hour or so.
• Consume and enjoy!!!

Quote from "Modern Family"

          Cameron: Why do you have to throw a wet blanket on my dreams?

Mitchell: I do not.

Cameron: You do it all the time! And you know what I end up with? Wet dreams....I heard it as soon as I said it, just leave it alone.

Hee hee hee...Ooh, just so you know, I'm on Twitter now!!  I'm tweeting, or twitting or twatting...whatever, I'm new to this.  Follow me!  @TheAwkwardBaker

Champagne and Shaving Your WHAT??

Happy Friday

While killing time yesterday at the local Walmart, I caught the following little snippit of a lovers quarrel that pretty much made my day: 

Greasy haired boy with lazy eye:   Stop being a bitch, I just don't want to ok??!!

Jiggly girl with "I heart Bieber" t-shirt:  Why the f*ck not???  Luke shaves his all the time!!!! 

Awkwrd Baker pretending to try on giant furry Homer Simpson Slippers:  *muffled laugh inadequately disguised as a cough*

*Dirty looks from troubled lovers ensue as the Awkward Baker giggles her way out of the slipper aisle and straight to the razor aisle just to see if Jiggly girl would get her way...Sadly, they were a no show.  *

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Since it's Friday and I hope all of you are all geared up for a fabulously ferocious weekend (and by that I mean I hope you have your wine bottle and Womens network chick flicks ready to go), I've decided to share an amazing little recipe that seriously rocks my world.  Champagne Cupcakes....They make everything better:  Awkward silence at the Christmas party where your mother can be heard yelling "Meat in your mouth!!!!"  Champagne cupcakes.  Forgot to put your skirt on over your pantyhose and went to work??  Champagne cupcakes.  Husband caught you belting out your own made up theme song about yourself?  Champagne cupcakes.  The hope is that no matter how badly you've embarrassed yourself, there is enough alcohol in these puppies to make them either forget or worship you for your sweet ass culinary skills. 

 Here are some on my own personal tips to get your fabulously awkward self into the cooking mood:

• Put on your "sexy cooking" apron.  Just the apron.  (Do NOT answer the door accidentally.  Chances are it will be the jehovas witnesses coming to take you to hell in a hand basket)
• Pump yourself up with your favorite "guilty pleasure" cd.  Boys II Men, NKOTB, Air Supply..I know you've got one...Crank it.  "Making loooove...out of nothing at all...."
• Take a shot or 2 of tequilla. 
• Do the running man to get your heart pumping and your head in the game.  (This should be applied to everything in life)

Champagne Cupcakes

One box of your favorite white cake mix.  (I love Duncan Hines Moist Delux White Cake)
One giant ass bottle of Champagne (You only need 1 1/4 cup, but come on...where is the fun in that?)
1/3 Cup Vegetable oil
3 eggs

-Do up the cake mix accoring to the back of the box (just add the champagne to the mixture). 
-Put the box at the bottom of a deep dark garbage bag and NEVER tell anyone it's not from scratch.  Ever.
- Pour your mixture into adorable cupcake liners and cook.  While you are waiting for the cupcakes to bake, have a glass of champagne and mix up your frosting:                                

1/2 cup of softened butter
4 cups of icing sugar
1/4 cup champage
1 teaspoon vanilla
Red food coloring  (just a few drops, enough to make it as pink as you wish!)           

 

Once your cupcakes are finished cooking, let them cool for about an hour and then frost away!!!!  You can always add a little garnish to the top like baking pearls or sprinkles to class these bad boys up.  Now serve...and suck up!!!!                              

ENJOY!!!

Quote of the day from Napoleon Dynamite:Pedro:  Do you think people will vote for me?

Napoleon:  Heck yes!  I'd vote for you.

Pedro:  Like what are my skills?

Napoleon:  Well you have a sweet bike.  And you're really good at hooking up with chicks.  Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache. 

Spokey Dokes and Rum...

I've often pondered (over a glass or 3 of delightful crisp chardonnay) the science of awkwardness.  Is it passed down from great Aunt Mavis, who found such comfort in wrapping herself up in furry yarn and  hoarding old shag rug samples.   Or perhaps a repressed childhood incident in which you soiled yourself in the school gym during a game of "Donkeys and Dragons" because your glasses fell off and you ran smack dab into the "most eligible fifth grade bachelor"...Darn you Kevin and the allure of your fantastic wavy mullet.  *Cue "Take My Breathe Away" on the nearest ghetto blaster*
Whatever the case, it's out there...and like many of you reading this,  awkwardness radiates towards us like a fat kid to a bike.  They know they are probably going to fall off, making it an immensely entertaining show for the rest of the playground, forever becoming known as "That Jiggly Kid that fell arse over kettle." Yet for some reason, they are just drawn to the enchantment of spokey dokeys, banana seats and the wind whipping their jiggly bits all willy nilly.  I used to consider my awkward "tendencies" to be a nuisance, however, ever since I became "friendly with the drink," life and all of it's bumbling bliss has become more of an entertainment.  Speaking of drinks, we're making "Bananas Foster" tonight...which is basically a fancy way to mix your daily serving of fruit with a healthy dose of alcohol.  (Win Win?  I think so)

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What you will need: 

• 1/4 cup butter  (Make sure it's the real stuff, calories don't exist when you are dealing with alcohol)
• 2/3 cup brown sugar
• 3 1/2 tablespoons rum....or more...Ok, let's just say a cup...just for good measure. 
• 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla (If you're a good little reader, you already have your vanilla extract from the previous blog all ready to go!!!!)
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 3 bananas, peeled and sliced lengthwise and crosswise
• Your choice of bottom (hee hee...bottom)  I'd suggest a nice french vanilla ice cream, or possibly pancakes, depending on just how adventurous you are feeling. 

Directions

1. Melt the butter over medium heat in a large skillet.  Stir in sugar, rum, vanilla and cinnamon. When the mixture begins to boil, add bananas. Cook for a couple of minutes, until the bananas are heated.  Pour the mixture over your chosen bottom!!!

 (Feel free to go crazy with your bad self and add a tasty tongue delight like Baileys as a little topper!!!)

ENJOY!!!!!

Quote from "New Girl"

Schmidt: I'll take you through the whole thing. I'll be like your guide.
Jess: Like Gandolf through Middle Earth?
Schmidt: Probably not like... Okay, first of all, let's take the Lord of the Rings references and put them in a deep, dark cave, where no one's gonna find them. Ever.
Jess: Except Smeagle. He lives in a cave.

That awkward moment when....

• Your father in law catches you dancing naked... in the hallway...full on (frontal) running man....

• Your friends discover your trusty "Boys II Men"  playlist...that has somehow made it to the "most played" spot on itunes...

• You realize that you accidentally taped the "naughty" version of Napolean Dynamite..."Naporneon Dynamite"  (Seriously, this exists!!  “I`m pretty much a flipping stud”)

• You burst out laughing (hysterically....unable to stop...snorting and inappropriately pointing) when one of your fat students falls off a bike....

• You become ungraciously buzzed at the family reunion and fail to notice that your grandparents actually CAN see you making sex faces at your husband.

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Random acts of awkwardness ensue on a daily basis, and being one of those people with limited humility and too much time on her hands, I've decided that the only rational thing to do is start a blog.  I'll be recounting my most awkward encounters and sealing them with a recipe.  I'm a firm believer that food fixes everything.  (Yes, it even makes the " naked booty shaking" less horrifying.)  It also probably helps that I believe in adding at least one alcoholic beverage to each meal. Today we are making homemade vanilla!!!!!

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Va Va Voom Vanilla

Making your own vanilla is not only fun and so simple, but it tastes AMAZING in everything!  Plus, how much fun is it to say that you make your own vanilla?  People may forget that you flashed them your lady Penelope, but they will never forget your home made vanilla.  (Fingers crossed on that one) 

What you need

• a pint of your favourite brandy: I'm a big fan of  E&J Brandy VS
• 3 Vanilla beans (You can pick them up at the Bulk Barn) 
• The willpower NOT to drink the whole pint when you are bored on a Friday night. 

Once you have your brandy and vanilla beans, the rest is simple!  Just slice your vanilla beans right down the middle to open them up.  Open up the brandy, take a sip or 3 just to make sure it "hasn't gone bad"  and toss the beans in.  If you are feeling fancy, feel free to pour your va va voom vanilla into a pretty bottle (just make sure it has a trusted seal).

Shake up your mixture.  You will notice tiny bits of vanilla bean floating about.  It's normal and absolutely delicious!!

 Put the cap back on and tuck it away in your cupboard for at least 3 months, shaking occasionally. 

Once your time is up, it's time to use your vanilla!!!  I love to pour a few tablespoons in my hot chocolate to add a tiny buzz and a serious flavour burst! 

Enjoy!!!

Awkward Quote of the day
..."so then you said "I lick everything...from little envelopes to big packages." Then you sucked your fingers, showed him how you can fit an entire stapler in your mouth and proudly demonstrated how you are no stranger to the "3 hole punch"....

"Yeah..so just to clarify for me...that was wrong???"

-Excerpt from "Happy Endings"