Stay tuned for the RETURN OF THE AWKWARD BAKER!!! I'm back with more magnificently awkward stories, life lessons and tasty alcoholic delights! You don't want to miss what happened when the Awkward Baker went for her first massage EVER or the retelling of a very special situation in which I may or may not have ended up with pee on my pant legs and a black eye. It's coming folks....Hold on to your dong shaped foods...
"Just be your creepy self for Halloween." Done and done. If your out looking for me tonight, I'll be that creeptastic lady with the wild 80s makeup, giant teased hair and long plaid flannel bathrobe (obviously, I opted out of a costume this year). I'll be the one terrorising the neighbourhood children with a sweet mix of bloody machetes, realistic melting face masks and my treasured lifesize cardboard cutout of the lovely John Stamos. (Uncle Jesse, you continue to rock my world, long after your house is no longer full....ha ha...cracking myself up over here) Sorry, too much free Halloween candy snagged from the "please take one" bowl at the Walmart.
Ahem....anyhoo, like I was saying, you'll find me out scaring away the little hoodulums that dare to enter my premises with intentions of taking my bags upon bags of delightful mini chocolate bars. Frig off kids. Seriously, nobody gets between the Awkward Baker and her mini snickers bars. I will sacrifice John Stamos if I must. (mmm..cascading mullet....)
In lieu of a recipe this week, (since I'm pretty sure we'll all just going to gorge on mini kit kats and chug boxes of wine while watching "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" and doing our best to sing along) I'm going to leave you with one of my all time favourite awkwards: Mad TVs Stuart doing up Halloween. Enjoy. Have a safe and Happy Halloween. As a homeless man once said to me (actually, he screamed it across the street while shaking his umbrella and humping the air) "Don't get any on ya".
Thanksgiving. That nifty time of year in which we put on our finest fally type sweater sets, buy an apple pie from the Sobeys, toss it in a dish to look homemade and proceed to drink heavily with our loved ones (or possibly because of our loved ones). Amidst the decadent tumbling leaves, spooky moon skies and chilly foggy breath mornings, there lies.... (insert spooky music) dum dum dum....the great family sit down. Due to said heavy drinking and fake sense of camaraderie, we tend to let our guards down and accidentally air our filthiest laundry. We've all been there. No judging here!!! I'm just thinking that perhaps it would be smart to make a list of "safe" topics for your family doo this year. Stick to the basics....like the weather, the upcoming election and Honey Boo Boo. "All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimus." hee hee.... vajiggle jaggle.....
The following is a list of things that will NOT be brought up at the Awkward Bakers Thanksgiving Celebration this year:
This blog (in any way shape or form)
Grandmas new found racism
Grandpas giant black "man friend" who takes him for his walks and generously takes his bubble baths with him.
Great Uncle Manny's "accidental" tongue kisses
Cousin Kermie's continuous love affair with high heeled shoes and ruby lip stains
Anything found in your parents "secret bedroom drawers"
Last years "episode" in which you drank a copious amount of "pumpkin pie martinis" (see below for recipe) and decided to entertain the table with tales of the infamous "Who is in my mouth party"
The fact that all of the women have a copy of "50 Shades" stuffed in their purses. (Dog eared, ripped pages and wet pages from bathtub time.)
The fact that all of the husbands have at some point borrowed the book to see what the big hoopla is all about....and thoroughly enjoyed it.
Aunt Melva's strange (yet oddly entrancing) manhandling of the turkey...Those legs sure are pliable.
Remember when we were kids and every show would have a thanksgiving special? The Brady Bunch episode where Greg directs that special little "family movie" in which they were all pilgrims. I'm not sure about you guys, but the last time someone tried to make a little "family movie" around our place, it was Uncle Manny...except we didn't know he was videotaping us...from his iphone...in his pocket....ahem.
Or my own personal favourite, the Friends episode where Joey puts a turkey on his head. It sure does beat that inevitable awkward moment when someone has to insert their hand into the turkeys'....ummm....cavity to ensure proper....erm...stuffing. Nothing about that sentence made me comfortable. Although maybe we'll commission Aunt Melva to do it next year. She loves her some turkey bits....
Anyhoo, so I'm thinking that we should back the tv specials with a bang... (or a ball gag) with...wait for it... "50 Shades of Orange, Red and Yellow...The Thanksgiving Special." I'm thinking maybe Christian and Ana adopt a herd of sexy little pilgrims and embark on a sexy adventure that includes all manners of "kinky turk-ery". Just a thought...tossing it out there... Although this year, I may just stick to the Charlie Brown special and leave the kinky turk-ery to the pros. (Aunt Melva, perhaps???)
As mentioned earlier, tonight I whipped up a marvellous, festive treat for your mouth. Impress your relatives while getting drunk. You can't lose folks. The Pumpkin Spice Martini is both decadent and delicious. Also, it packs a serious buzz. I'm hoping someday to turn all desserts into a drink....what a wonderful world this could be!!!!
The Pumpkin Spice Martini
What you need:
3 shots of spiced rum
1 shot of Baileys (YAY!!!)
1 shot of pumpkin flavored liquier (such as Hiram Walker) or half a shot of any pumpkin flavored syrup.
Do it up:
Mix ingredients together in a martini shaker with a handful of ice cubes (note the arm workout...sweet) Top this tastey delight with a dash of cinnamon sugar, a dab of whipped cream or even chocolate shavings. Have fun and impress the hell out of your family!!!
Happy June, awkward readers!!!!! I just wanted to do up a quick post to tell you that I'm currently devouring my way through the "50 Shades of Grey" trilogy...AHEM...it's for research ONLY!!! (Insert awkward lying face) Ok, ok...you've got me. I'm reading under the covers with a flashlight while my husband sleeps at night...I'm like a fat kid hoarding Girl Guide cookies...hiding them in her fanny pack hoping no one pats her down and squishes her chocolate secrets. I called in sick because I finished the first book and was heartbroken...In the near future, I will have a proper post for you on what life would be like if the Awkward Baker wooed (yep, I said wooed) Christian Grey. In the meantime, here is "Ellen's" awkward tryout for the reading of the "50 Shades of Grey" audio book.
I will also leave you with an age old "go to" recipe that makes a fantastic companion to "50 Shades". It takes 10 minutes to whip up and another 20 to sit.
Mars Bar Squares (Or as I have been calling them: Delicious Alternatives to Christian Grey)
-4 regular sized Mars bars (get 5....you WILL eat one before you begin and it's much easier to have an extra on reserve rather than running back out to the store)
-1/2 cup of butter
-2 cups of rice krispies.
-2 cups of chocolate chips
-Do it up!!!
-Melt on low heat: Mars Bars and butter. When they are almost smooth (the nougat won`t melt very well) add the krispies and one cup of chocolate chips.
-mix it up and squish into an 8 by 8 inch greased pan. Melt the remaining chocolate chips and pour them on top. Refrigerate until hard on top.
So, grab yourself a very generous glass of wine, a few Mars Bar squares and hunker down with Christian for the night. Stay tuned for my upcoming post on 50 Shades!!!!!
There is nothing like a lazy rainy day to rest your spirits and rejuvenate your oddities. Today I have barricaded myself in my bedroom wearing ginormous furry pyjamas circa 1985 (with feet). I am armed with 2 pints of Ben and Jerrys "Half Baked", a jar of peanut butter and a box of wine. Can you say party in my bed??? Along with consuming copious amounts of self depreciating junk food and alcohol I am treating my soul to a plethora of "chick flicks". I'm a secret lover of any summer camp, lusty muscly romance, and reckless humping on dance floors. "Dirty Dancing" it is folks!! In goes the DVD aaaannnd....take it away Johnny Castle! Those gyrating hip teases and "front parts" dangling in the heated summer breeze....Babys horrible spandex pants (obviously this was before the brilliant invention of the cuchini) and the naughty lure of seducing "the help". Like most women out there, I have always lived vicariously through the characters of "Dirty Dancing" as my own summer romances included a parade of less than savoury creatures. Let's see....there was the one eyed man who could always be found sniffing gas from the pavement at the local gas station. The braided beard hippy who referred to himself in the third person and refused to brush his teeth. (REFUSED!!!) The man who wore more makeup than me, and the man with the "sweet grill" who insisted that the ladies use him as a "human pole" everywhere we went. I could seriously write a book (and have actually been asked to on many occasions) about the special men I have frolicked with. So "Dirty Dancing" is my naughty little escape from reality...plus it packs a sweet, sexy punch.
I was recently thinking that the art of this fabulous film has truly been lost upon today's generation with the rise of movie star "crotch shots" and "Jersey Shore" fist pumping and hair bumping........I think that we should start to bring "Dirty Dancing" back, bit by bit. Just start to slowly incorporate tiny tidbits into your daily routine. The following is a bit of a stepping stone to help you to along your way. Yeah, it might be a bit awkward at first, but if there is one thing I know about you, it's that you are all masters of embracing the random acts of awkwardness....
Awkward things people who love Dirty Dancing can do in everyday situations:
-To the teenage grocery store clerk who who doesn't quite comprehend why you are giving him googly eyes and blushing: "I carried a watermelon...." (then in true "Baby form" act shockingly embarrassed and bang head with hand saying "I CARRIED a watermelon!!!??)
-When you are out at a fancy restaurant, purposely make sure that you are in a corner seat. Stand up halfway through your meal and shout "Nobody puts (Insert your own name here) in a corner!!!" Angrily pick up your plate and stomp to a window table in satisfaction. Repeat as many times as you feel it is necessary.
-When anyone mentions the late (and great) Patrick Swayze, stop in your tracks, haul out a hairbrush (or any microphone shaped object that may be in your near vicinity) and belt out "Just a foooooooool to believe.....She's liiiike the wind!!!" Make sure that you include dramatic arm pumps and leg kicks...possibly even drop to your knees on the spot and clutch your chest in passion. Everyone around you will assume that you are either a one person flash mob or that you are a few frys short of a happy meal. Win, win.
-When dancing at the local "Friday night" ho down, you ask your partner repeatedly if you have "spaghetti arms" while flopping them around limply. Make him/her stand behind you and gently caress your arms while you giggle like a schoolgirl.
-Then try "heating things up" by showing off some of your "meringue" moves (from the studio scene). Try not to notice half way through your routine (legs over head, gyrating all over your elderly dentist) that no one has switched from the two step and now you are officially the freak of the town. (Please do the world a favor and let your freak flag fly on a regular basis. )
-If you were a true Dirty Dancing fan, you totally wrote the sequel (before the trashy train wreck, Havanna Nights). Your story obviously included "Babys tragic demise" and the need for Jonny Castle to find a sweet, yet slightly awkward replacement in the form of (ahem) you. Of course there would be much more hip gyrating and shirtless rain scenes. Perhaps a tad bit more "front part friction". Take it to a local bookstore and do an impromptu reading. When you are "politely" asked to leave, pick up your belongings and shout: "You don't understand the way it is, I mean for somebody like me!!! Last month I'm eating Jujubes to keep alive, and this month women are stuffing diamonds in my pocket!!!!" Promptly storm out.
Enjoy these fabulously hilarious videos....The first one is my future husband Channing Tatum (mmm) and Charlyn Yi in a parody of my all time FAVOURITE scene.... The second is a play by play done by two very hairy men. Gorgeous.
Today we are just going to drink.....I so dislike crumbs in my bed, therefore this beautiful little concoction of sweet, sour and drunk are perfect! You can modify it as you wish, let me know if you have any simple ideas to improve on this!
Awkward Bakers Dirty Dancing Cocktail -3 cups of your favourite white wine. -2 cups of pink lemonade -2 cups of sprite/7up -Raspberries, strawberries, lemons or limes to garnish each glass. -Ice cubes
Mix all liquid ingredients in a pretty pitcher. Add a hand full of ice cubes. Put your desired fruit in the bottom of a nice sized wine glass (make sure not to let the ice fall in the glass) Aaand consume. I used a raspberry in mine tonight, here it is:
Photo by the drunken Awkward Baker
Dirty Dancing Quote (By Penny Johnson)
"Oh come on ladies! God wouldn't have given you maracas if he didn't want you toshake 'em!"
Happy Hump day! (Says the crazy lady who is chugging Baileys spiked coffee and trying to tame mangled frizzy hair) Why is it so frigging hard to drag my slightly padded ass (still working off those Double Fudge Irish Cream Cookies) out of bed and face mornings? I've been doing it for well over 33 years now, and it just never gets easier! I sometimes contemplate life as one of those unsettled ladies who take up residence in their bed. I would have a lifetime supply of nutella, Air Supply and Saved by The Bell reruns. (A.C. Slater...you continue to rock my world universe long after the "College Years".)
Sweet mullety perfection...yes...
I would send the neighbours boy out to fetch my groceries and lady products while taking part in video chats with crazy men who would make strange requests ("Put on the sheer pantyhose!!!! Now the grey ones!!"). But they would be my new friends, so I would accommodate. I would get all of my much needed gossip from my old faithful, Facebook. Which incidentally happens to be the subject of toady's post.
Facebook has made it possible for the average awkward creep (like me! and you!) to stalk from the comfort of our own super comfy beds! "Leave the black catsuit and pliers at home Henry! Mamas got a Facebook account! " However, just when you thought that you could avoid random acts of awkwardness by staying home and silently creeping on your peeps, technology kicks you in the (cushy) ass and takes awkwardness to a whole new level. So much for anonymity, especially when you are as awkward prone as yours truly! I've had numerous strange run ins with old friends, new friends, strangers who poke me, Farmville neighbours and once an old professor who sent a disturbing photo taken in the shower stall of my old housing residence. Here are some "Awkward Facebook Moments" I've complied after looking back over the years. Feel free to leave me a comment with your own experiences. (You know I hate to be awkward AND alone!!!) As always I will be leaving you with a "happy ending" in the form of "Baileys Banana Trifles"...mmmm...
Awkward Facebook Moments:
Accidentally hitting the "like" button on someones unlikable status...."Just got fired, dumped and fell down the stairs." Awkward Baker Likes.
Drunkenly searching for your hottie crush and not realising that you entered his name as your status until the next morning when you see that he has deleted your creepy ass.
Your "God lovin Aunt" continuously posts pictures of sad Jesus on your wall.
Your Bubblewitch Saga score was posted.
Noone liked your witty status about jiggly people in lycra on bikes emerging along with the beautiful weather.
....except your mom
The picture that you snapped on your cell phone of your wobbly "before diet" body was posted on your wall because your phone is a whore.
Running into someone at the store and telling them that you ADORE the engagement pics they just posted...and then remembering that they are not actually your friend. You are just a creep.
Getting dumped and having to change your status.
Noone responding to your birthday party event.
...except your mom. (and even that was only a "maybe")
************************************************************8 I found this amazing recipe at "Love With Food" and I improvised slightly to fit my cupboards ingredients. This is a truly fantastic site, as they have a program that allows you to buy delicious meals and they will donate a meal to help fight hunger!!! I love to see people baking and giving back!!!!
Baileys Banana Trifles -0.5 oz thick cream....I just used cool whip left over from my weeekend ;)
-7 tbsp Baileys (Yay! Another opportunity to use your Homemade Baileys! -6 chocolate brownies. I'm lazy, so I bought the brownies from a local bakery. -3 bananas, cut up. -18 oz vanilla custard. I went all "Bill Cosby" on these trifles and used a box of instant vanilla pudding. -6 tbsp caramel topping. (The kind you would smother ice cream in) -One grated chocolate bar. I used a Cadbury chocolate bar.
-Cute wine or martini glasses to serve them in!
Do it up:
Mix the cream with 1 tbsp Baileys, and set aside. Divide the brownie pieces between 6 glasses, then drizzle each with 1 tbsp Baileys. Now pour a shot for yourself and indulge. Top with the sliced bananas, pudding and Baileys cream, dividing equally, then drizzle with caramel sauce and finish with chocolate shavings. This can be made a few hours ahead, to allow it to set. It's a pretty straightforward recipe with room to be creative. You could always do a couple of layers or add more Baileys.
Now, sit back with a giant spoon indulge upon your creation, creep a few peeps on the old FB and then watch these two hilarious videos on Shit People Say on Facebook!
Easter!!!! Springy wonderfullness!!! Furry Bunnies!!! Marshmallow Peeps!!!! (PROZAC!!!) There is something so amazingly refreshing about Easter. Perhaps it's the warmer weather...the dog crap emerging from melting snowbanks or the fact that my prescriptions are all up to date. (YAY!) Whatever the reason, I love this time of year! Also, I may or may not have spent the morning taste testing the recipe of the day...wait for it..it's amazing.
As always, I feel that it is quite necessary to jump start Easter weekend with a list of helpful hints and tips. Holidays are stressful enough, so I've compiled a list of my own previous experiences that may help you to avoid some of the finer random acts of awkwardness. Do take note!!!
-You know that awkward moment when you feel strangely attracted to the mall Easter Bunny? (Yeah you KNOW which moment I'm talking about...He IS naked and kind of a bad ass...all breaking into houses and what not.) Anyways, do NOT voice said attraction out loud to your mates. They feel it too, but it's best that no one speaks of it.
-When asked to read a story to your niece after Easter dinner, do NOT haul out this nifty gem:
And if you MUST, please refrain from showing them THIS photo...I'm still disturbed, and trust me, it takes a lot!!!
-Do not admit to your grandma that you still don't quite "get" the whole Easter story...where did the bunny lying eggs come into the picture?? It's best just to go with it...
-During the Easter egg hunt, do not stuff eggs down your shirt and prance about pretending to be Dolly Parton. Also, try to remain sober until at least lunch.
-Attempt to maintain composure when someone makes references to their "Mr. Nutty" or "Mr. Solid". Note that Mr. Solid is a creamy milk chocolate that "melts in your mouth....yes you do Mr. Solid...yes you do.
Of course if you DID manage to stumble into an awkward moment, fret not, as I have found THE recipe that will make anyone and everyone forget the silly situations you may or may not have gotten yourself into! Cadbury Caramel Creme Martinis!!!!!! Seriously. I found it on a wonderful, amazing site called "Grin and Bake It" . You can DRINK your creme eggs!!!! What a wonderful world. There really isn't a better way to get through awkward family small talk and the fact that you DID go against the rules and mention the Easter bunny attraction. The only thing I can think of that would be better would be a recipe that would actually INFUSE a real creme egg with vodka. MMMM...Please let me know if you are able to master this. In the meantime whip these up!!!
3 oz. vanilla vodka 1.5 oz. creme de cacao 1.5 oz. white chocolate liqueur 1 oz. caramel liqueur splash of cream
You can get creative and rim your glass with chocolate or caramel sauce and crushed chocolate pieces if you want! Swirl chocolate syrup inside the martini glass and chill. Combine vanilla vodka, creme de cacao, white chocolate liqueur, caramel liqueur, and cream into a martini shaker filled with ice. Shake and pour. This recipe makes 2....or one ginormous martini!!!
Photo From "Grin and Bake It"
Remember to drink responsibly, as no one needs to see your drunken rendition of the "Passion of the Christ". Yes I'm sure your homemade puppets make a lovely Christ on the cross, however, the world isn't quite ready for your creative genius.
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